At the beginning of the Jewish New Year, 5784, I can feel the energy descending and retreating from
one space to the next—a mix of sadness and anticipation.
The anticipation of a clean slate and a fresh start inspires me to reach into my heart and find what I want to create this year. Before fully embracing the newness and the creative joy of a new journey, I must look inward to what has transpired in the past year.
I decided to make a list, look at pictures, and make a picture book of the moments that impacted my year. I found thousands of photos, countless sunsets, and videos of the crashing waves in all my favorite places, snapshots of clouds, and clips out of plane windows. There were selfies of all the people I love dearly and the documentation of the stages of growth in my garden as I languished in the magic of a flower growing after a long winter and blooming into a starburst of color. I realized the natural wonders surrounding me in the everyday and big moments.
I did not find pictures of the trees without leaves and the remnants of bad days, tears cried, and failures marked. I naturally sorted out the events that pushed me so hard to take the first step, recognizing the step and not the push.
As I sat and thought about this year so complete, joyful, and sad, I had to acknowledge the events that pushed me. I thanked my mind and heart for the marks left in my soul that make me fully human and alive.
I looked at my art portfolio, paintings, and drawings that reflect my soul. They changed. I noticed a softness and merge of color that was not there at the beginning of the year as I added pan-pastels to my work, brushing paint to smooth hard edges. The softness of the color added depth and feeling that needed no words.
The colors reflected some dreams that came true and some that were left behind; even a few I had not imagined could happen. I cried a few tears and spent a day inside my mind and heart as I absorbed and processed the enormity of one year, thousands of steps, decisions, and events that molded me day by day into a new person with a fresh perspective.
How is it possible that I did not notice along the way? If I had seen it all at the beginning of the year, I might have allowed fear to travel with me, the voice of tiredness and despair to color my work, joy, and adventure.
I'm thankful for being a witness to myself and the journey that has been my life for the past year, and I am ready to let go and allow a whole new me to be created in 5784!
"The Blue Shawl" 2023 is a self portrait inspired by Tina Parker Emhoolah and the circle of sisterhood she offered me, and in appreciation for the Comanche Nation.